it's all a gift.

I've wondered why in the world I, of all people, ended up on this path. I'm not cut out for it in so many ways and I've questioned God why he didn't change the outcome when I was praying for reconciliation. 

I went from living at home, to a couple years of college, to married life. And in those 13 years of marriage, I never saw a bill or a bank statement. I never mowed a lawn. I never had to take care of my car. I signed things when they were placed in front of me and didn't ask too many questions. I knew nothing about how to be financially responsible and manage a home.

I'm a terrible single parent. If there's another adult around I generally have the patience of a saint. But leave me with three WILD, RAUCOUS, boys all alone and my resources are depleted within minutes. I get stressed anytime there's too much noise and chaos and unfortunately that's the status quo with three boys. 

I thought God wouldn't ever allow my marriage to dissolve because he knows my weaknesses when it comes to love and dating. I don't do single life well. I crave love and affection and companionship and had a few rough months last year when I was thrown to the wolves. There are a lot of men out there who will devour their prey. Dating in your 30's is a lot different than dating at 16. 

Too hard. Not cut out for this. I can't do it. 

I was incredibly honored and excited when Lisa Leonard's team contacted me and said they'd like me to be in their family of influencers. I clicked over to her blog and the first thing that popped up was a post called, "The Unexpected Gift". 

Here's a snippet of the words that made tears well up in my eyes: 

“Let the tears come.” whispered God. “Every tear you cry makes room for more joy than you can imagine.” 

The ache in my heart was almost too much to bear. There were times I was sure my heart would break into a million tiny pieces. It was an ache so deep it seemed to come from a place inside me I didn’t know was there.

“I know you’re hurting.” whispered God. “This ache is because I am growing and stretching your heart to make room for a love deeper than you can imagine.”

With time my gift began to change me.

After a while it didn’t feel quite so heavy.

The tears made room for joy. So much joy.

My heart grew and stretched to make room for love. So much love.

As the darkness subsided, rays of light began to break through and something unexpected emerged.

Beneath the tears, heartache and darkness I saw my gift.

Hope. So much hope.

It filled me up. My hope was light and bright and good. It was so beautiful my soul could hardly take it. 

God explained, “You had to walk through darkness to see the light. You had to cry heavy, salty tears to make room for joy. You had to ache deep in your heart to make room for love. This was the only way I could give you my true and lasting Hope.”

“Thank you.” I said. “The darkness has subsided and I can see more clearly. My tears have dried and made room for joy. My heart is bigger and I can love more deeply. I have hope. Hope is a gift more precious and beautiful than I ever imagined.”

This ring on my finger is a reminder of all the tears of pain carving out room for more hope and joy than I could have imagined. It's all a gift.